Be

In November I attended the NYWC in Nashville. It was a good time, quite possibly a great time. I got to hang out with some of my best friends, hear some good speakers, and get fed professionally and spiritually.

But it wasn’t a mountain top experience. No, I would say that it was a sanctuary experience. It was an extended time in the presence and awareness of God. Rather than running around trying to get to all the seminars and meetings, I walked, listened, prayed. I attended to my soul in the hopes that such a thing would have a positive impact on my ministry back home.

I spent time allowing my soul to cry out to God. I stepped outside my denominational tradition and stretched my experience. I found God in solitude and in the voices of 7,500 youth workers screaming to a David Crowder praise song. I found Him in meditation and in an engaging conversation over Thai food. I found Him in the deep study of a scripture text and in quiet rest on the floor against a wall. I found Him in a professional hockey arena and in an old cathedral.

Through it all I kept thinking about what will happen when I get home, or how I can use this or that. And God kept telling me to enjoy the now. Enjoy the now. I’m much better at evaluating the past or thinking about the future. Enjoy the now. Why? ‘Cause God is in the now, I just need to pay attention.

Part of Enjoy the now is the need to be. Not do, not did. But be and have faith that God will. I have to admit to myself, and God, that I’m weak on faith in that will. Isn’t that my job, to do? And it strikes that maybe I focus too much on what my job is and too little on my being.

Of the things that I learned I hope that one of those I remember will be to be. Be aware of God. Be open to His voice. Be listening for His whisper, smelling for His breath, feeling for His heartbeat. Be. In His presence. Be. With my family. Be. Actively listening to whoever is talking to me. Just be.

Be.

Devotion

I’m just finishing reading the Circle Trilogy by Ted Dekker, so that has some influence on where my heart and mind went while reading this Psalm for devotions…

Psalms 63:1
Oh God, YOU are my God,
Earnestly I seek You; [earnest – sincere and intense conviction]

I long for something so much more than I have inside, than what I see outside. There is little passion in this soul of mine, save that which is desperate for more passion. Can you be passionate about wanting to be more passionate?

(63:1)My soul thirsts for You, [soul – life, mind, heart, passion
My body longs for You, [long for – faint with longing]
In a dry and weary land
Where there is no water.

I love my church, but I hate its lack of expression, vibrancy, and fevered desire for more. We have the Spirit, but where is the wind? Where is the down pour of creative power that pushes us to find more souls out there hurting? As I cry against others I look and see myself sitting down in the sand, content to just wait to be rescued.

(:6) On my bed I remember You;
I think of You through the watches of the night.

I lay there, restless, worried; my mind tossing around, trying to get settled. My heart calls out to Deep. I’m frantic for more of God, I know there’s more

(:7) Because You are my help,
I sing in the shadow of Your wings.

Not on a mountain top, but in a shadow, His shadow, I recite the song of the Great Romance. Only slightly louder than what is required for me to hear. As I feebly hum the cords, His passion floods over me, His heart woos me, pursues me.

(:8) My soul clings to You;
Your right hand upholds me.

Humbly I realize that though I am a man, I am but a small child. In my mind’s eye I see myself clinging to His leg as an unsure and frightened little boy would. Gently, but powerfully, I watch His large, strong hands wrap around my shoulders.

Oh Father, when will I grow up? When will I be the warrior, tall and bold and confident, that You want me to be, that You are making me to be?

A Picture of Home

The other night I had a picture of home.

It was a simple ceremony, but moving for those attending. My brother-in-law and his Army unit had just returned home from Iraq. At a local high school stadium the Brass had a welcome home ceremony. There were 5 or 6 distinguished guests giving there thoughts and the such. However, the most poignant moment came after all the speeches and thanks.

Here is what I saw. After the congressmen and government officials gave their commendations, after the generals and support staff concluded their appreciations and approval the unit lined up in formation, front and center. Their khaki desert fatigues clean and sharp, with hats on their heads and shoulders straight and tall.

The First Sergeant then read thru all 75 names in the unit, after each name (save one) that person would shout, "Here First Sergeant" in full military intonation. It was interesting to hear the brief cheers and hoots from some excited family members in the bleachers.

It's funny, but time didn't drag on like it seems to at say a graduation. Instead the slow process allowed for the magnitude of the moment to set in each of our hearts.

Finally when all the names had been read and everyone was present and accounted for, the First Sergeant passed the list off to the Captain who congratulated them on a job well done. Then in a commanding voice he said, "313, lets go home!"

The whole place exploded into shouts of joy and celebration. The sky was filled with hats as the entire unit threw them up. Struck with sudden emotion we in the bleachers had tears running down our faces as we breathed a sigh of thanks. It was as if we were finally given the OK to relax. They were home safe. They were finally home, safe.

There is a picture in the Bible. A huge crowd of people, dressed not in fatigues but robes brilliantly white with crowns on their heads, stand before their God and King. This time not in a high school stadium, but on a sea of glass. Slowly and purposefully Jesus reads off each name present, and just as slowly and purposefully the magnitude of the moment sinks in. Angels surrounding the crowd shout quick hoots and cheers. After all the names are read, Jesus turns to His Father and says, "They are all here Father, each one you gave to me."

Standing up the Father says in a commanding voice that rings through the entire universe, "Welcome home! Welcome... Home!"

With an emotional level they haven't felt since that dark day on Golgotha the angels explode with elation. Jesus' pride flashes like a supernova. Together in a concert of praise the crowd throws their crowns at His feet sighing a breath of thanks.

"We're finally home safe. We're finally home..."

Honest to God

Oh, what joy for those whose rebellion is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight! Yes, what joy for those whose record the LORD has cleared of sin, whose lives are lived in complete honesty! Psalm 32:1,2 (New Living Translation)

Honesty. That is a loaded word, whose meaning can be pretty scary. Most of us don't tell lies or cheat on our taxes, if we've been given too much change we'll return it. But how often am I honest to God? I’m talking brutal, naked honesty.


Can I wake up in the morning with matted hair and eye boogers and say, “God I am a sinner. Just last night I let my mind run way past the pastures of purity. Yesterday I plunged a 6 inch knife of gossip into the back of one of your children. The CD I have in my player right now is a bit less than uplifting. I am incredibly envious of what so and so has. What I mean is I want it! NOW! To be honest with you I spend more time trying to get my hands on the latest tech gadgets or some sweet duds than I do developing a good character. I’d rather stay up late watching a not so great movie, and sleep to the last minute than spend time with you. Guess you could say that I’m pretty selfish, huh? Sorry God, I’m a mess.”

Honesty. Complete, brutal, naked. It is a scary thing, especially if you are a pastor. We aren't supposed to have issues like I mentioned above. We've got it all together. Right?

In Psalm 32 David tells us that those who live honest to God have a tremendous joy and freedom. Why? ‘Cause God is more than willing to forgive. If we are honest God will take out the trash in our hearts and lives.

When he refused to confess and tried to cover up sin in his life, when he pretended everything was fine and he had it all together, he was weak and miserable. He had no strength, verses 3,4. But when he confessed all his sins, and stopped trying to hide them, they were forgiven and gone. He goes on to say 'cause of this honesty God is his hiding place, trouble is kept far away, verses 5,7. Isn’t it kind of funny how we try to ignore or hide something from a God who knows it all anyway?

So I ask myself, "Do I have enough courage to expose myself before God? Am I open and true to who I am, baring all the weakness, sin, selfishness, inadequacy, apathy, and reluctance to a God who is crazy about me just as I am?"

Do you have the guts to be this honest to God?

The Victor

I just got back from my second annual Pop and Son fishing tournament. It is a silly little game my dad and I play, only now we are keeping score. It is a time where I go out to Colorado to spend a week fishing with my dad. My objective is to catch as many or more fish than my dad. Usually doesn't happen, but we share a great bonding time.

This year is a little different. This year in the closing hours of our challenge, thru freezing rain and blinding snow (really it hurt when it hit your eyes), and in the dark of the night I came away with two more fish than my dad.

I won!

Because of the snow and crappy weather we came back a couple days early. I got to spend a little bit of time with the rest of my family, which was good. However, I am being nagged by the fact that during that time they didn't see much of a change in me.

My family has seen me good, bad, and ugly. But they haven't seen me on a regular basis since I really committed to follow Christ, and since I became a pastor. Sure I don't' drink or use much of the same language I did back then, but what about me could show them the change God can make in a person's life, a person's character?

I mean they spoke God's name more than I did. I continue to struggle with how to share the God I love with my family who wants little or nothing to do Him? How do I invite my Dad to love God when he sees it as a grave weakness?

I feel like another opportunity slipped by, but I don't know how I was supposed to take advantage of that opportunity. How do you share Jesus with your family?

I drove home with the trophy in my backseat, but feeling like the loser in my heart.

Please God save my family...

Embracing the Broken Heart

I had my heart break today. We were just sitting around the table talking and the pain flooded thru me. I wanted to run, I wanted to cover my head and make it all go away. I wanted to throw up my hands and shout, "Enough!" I wanted to push away the pain, try to hold it at arms length and examine it objectively finding ways to eliminate it.

After everyone had left and I was alone at the table loneliness birds circled around me laying stone eggs in my heart. Inadequacy, depression, and fear hatched and grew up quickly.

"God I can't do this! I don't know what to do," my whisper shouted across the empty room. I told myself that He could do it, that He could make things right, and was then quick to answer, "Then why doesn't He!?"

I wondered why I am here at this church. Why put me here if I can't do this? That doesn't make sense. That was the first positive statement I had made in the last passing minutes. It doesn't make sense, God wouldn't do that. Therefore, He must have brought me here 'cause He knew that I could do this, that He could use me to create change.

"Then why do I feel all these negative emotions? The doubt, depression, hurt, inadequacy?"

That is when things began to turn around for me. This pain is what Jesus feels. What broke my heart is what breaks His. I shouldn't be running away from it, rather I should embrace it. I quickly prayed that He wouldn't take it away, but that He would give me the hope to handle it.

Hope doesn't take away the pain and anxiety, if it did we wouldn't need it any more. Here I sit, broken, pained, but hopeful in a God beyond measure. I don't really know how but somehow this brokenness will heal into ministry.

Until then I sit here embracing the broken heart. Whispering:

"God, continue to break my heart with that which breaks yours..."

They will know we are Christians by our... what?

Yep, its official. At least in my book. The once loved "hippie" song, They will know we are Christains by our love, has forever been changed to: They will know we are Christians by our multiple doctinal, non-transubstantiational, pre-lapsarian but post-tribulational, you-better-believe-what-I-believe-or-you-WILL-burn teachings.

I know what you're thinking... pretty long huh? So we'll shorten it to They will know we are Christians by our... what? I like it, has a catchy post-modern vibe to it. Little guitar, some djembe, maybe a tamborine or two and you have yourself the beginning of a great worship set.

Of course this is only a painfull reality in the case in my specific denomination. It seems that my church has founded itself so deeply in biblical truth (and I beleive it has or I wouldn't be here) that we don't leave any room for those who think and perhaps have... can I say it? questions.

Kinda funny, we evangelize the hell (pun intended) out of people, wooing them to the church, but if you are in the church and don't agree with some biblical or doctrinal points, or lifestyle issues we shun you as if you have some infectious disease that might spread causing a pandemic episode of apostasy whereas all of us will be bowing down to a picture of a pope-like figure, while we huddle in some adobe huts in the desserts of southern New Mexico, claiming that there is no christ but the oreo. A bit over the top but it works. Seriously though this saddens me. It hurts. We love sinners (at least I hope we do), but we have a hard time loving saints who have become "sinners."

I thought I remember reading Jesus tell us that if a person refuses to listen to the truth, treat them as if they were pagans. Meaning: fall all over yourself to love them back. Hmm... but I guess that doesn't apply to your own church members. We believe the Holy Spirit can bring someone into the church, but if they should question and disagree on main matters of faith He is powerless to guide them so we must protect the flock.

What kind of a crazy God would think up something like grace anyway? What a kook. Grace... ha thats a good one.

Was it really God's purpose?

Just some thougths...

Sometimes I think we as youth workers get a little too fast and loose with the lines "it's all part of God's will or plan." We read stories like Joseph's where he says to his brothers, "you didn't sell me into slavery, it was God's purpose for all that to happen to me." Really?

I guess I can see God's purpose in that, thousands to millions of lives ultimately saved from starvation. But what I have a problem doing is then transfering that ideology to our day and age.

I just got back from camp where I met a girl who was having a really hard time understanding the how and why of God's plan in the physical abuse her father gave her and her family a couple of years ago. God caused the events in Joseph's life, maybe. God caused the events in this young girl's life, I don't think so.

I can't believe that it is God's intention to cause bad things to happen. God can use bad things as well as good things to work out His plan, but does He cause them happen in the first place?

God has a plan, and can make it happen. But everything that I read in the Bible says that God's plans for me are for good. I don't have any really good answers, but I think it would be a good thing if I and others were a bit more careful with what we attribute to God.

No really I'm still here...

Wow. Doesn't look like I do much with this blog does it? I have been checking to see if anyone knows I exsist, but that is about it.

I have been a little low on the creative juices these last couple months. Although I had these great plans for spiritual growth this summer, create a strategic plan for the upcoming school year, keep up with my blog, etc. etc. None of that really happened. I'm lazy. Would it be sacreligious to quote, "the heart is willing but the body is weak?" No I guess not. But it is still an excuse.

I feel like I have been drifting, spiritually speaking, most of the summer. Not much of a force driving me. Not much of a direction leading me. I fear that I have been just "keeping up appearances." That I have survived as a youth pastor simply by the grace of God and unfortunately on my natural talents. I am beginning to understand that God will bless my work for His own glory and His love for the kids. And many times in spite of me and my shortcomings.

Ah, glorious mediocrity! I am hoping that something is boiling under the surface, that I will soon find new life and growth where I used to see only dry stagnacy. But then I think that I am only fooling myself. Can God work with just desire, my desire? I want to grow closer, but is 'want' enough? I tend to think no. There also must be action behind that want. Right? At least that is what I tell my students.

I am finding myself caught in that awkward space of not following my own spiritual advice. While I am telling my students to spend time with God, I myself am doing a very poor job of it. Hmm...

The Reality of My Dreams

Dreams. We all have them right? I mean just the other night I had this really weird dream where I had to go the bathroom but couldn't seem to find a bathroom with any privacy. Yes, it was rather disturbing. And how come whenever I'm the hero in my dream and I go to punch the bad guy my muscles don't work? My entire arm doesn't work for that matter. What is up with that?

Actually these are not the dreams I was originally referring to. I mean those things that spur us on to greater heights. The fuel that revs up our resolve. The mental picture that we perspire toward. You get the picture. Dream: an aspiration, hope, goal, aim, objective, grail.

I recently gave a graduation commencement address that caused me to think once again of 'dream'. Of course I spoke of following the dreams that God has set in the heart, and in doing so truly shining your light before men for all to see and give praise to our Father (Matt 5:16). As I was preparing the talk, and evaluating it afterward, I got to thinking about my own dreams.

I used to have a motto in life: I take my dreams to be reality, 'cause God believes in the reality of my dreams. As with many things, that motto has faded a bit. It is as if I put it in a cigar box with many other treasured things and put it up out of reach in the back of the top shelf in the closet. I pulled it out and shined it up to show the graduates, but in doing so was reminded of a younger me, a more 'dreamy' me. I am having to ask myself if I still take my dreams to be reality. There is an echo ringing as the question bounces around in my soul. It makes its way back and asks: do I still dream?

Do I plan? Yes, I am in the process of planning a large, week-long series for the youth in our area. Do I strategize? Yes, I am trying to develop a process whereas students find ministries they can participate in. Do I program, project, intend, draw, layout, illustrate, formulate? Yes, but. The base question is: do I still dream?

Well, frankly no not really. OK, maybe I don't need new dreams, what about the old ones I used to have? Have I revisited them? Hmmm... not in a while they look pretty dusty. Can God still believe in the reality of something that isn't there any more?

I don't have the answers yet. But I can tell you one thing: Tonight I'm gonna make sure I go the bathroom before I fall asleep.

In the beginning

In the beginning of what? What should it look like? What will it become? Does it really matter, or should I just focus on the journey instead of the destination, the process instead of the final product.

That sounds like a good start...

Inspired by several others out there blogging their way to sanity I thought it would be good to join in on the fun. After all if everyone jumped off a bridge wouldn't you as well? If you didn't it would be awfully lonely you know. Ha, mom didn't think of that, did she?

Can there be more than whimsical nonsense written on a screen? Can there be purpose? Redemption? Re:generation? I hope to find out.

Here is a thought that came to me tonight at a bible study with some youth from our group:

When is the last time I actually thought about eternity? I mean stopped talking and thought about eternity and myself in it? I couldn't remember. I have talked about it, read about it, but I can't remember when I have thought about it for me. 'Cause when you do it puts things into a different perspective.

Like this for instance: In the eternal scheme of things how much will it matter if I am late for church? Is it worth it to get all bent out of shape and flavor the morning with bitterness and contempt? That is a common one, but what about this one: in the eternal scheme of things what is my purpose? By this I mean, do I ever think about my purpose after life here on earth? Have I tried to wrap my noodle around the fact that God has a plan that will either continue or take place after He recreates and everything is restored, and I will be part of that plan?

Eternal man. That's like... forever. I wonder if I were to try to remind myself of the eternal if that would change some things for me? Would I be a better person, a better husband and father, a better servant of God? Is that a beginning, thinking about eternity?

You know what I like about God? Beginnings.